reciprocity

is so incredibly simple

I was in the Post Office the other day and the queue was pretty large for such a small space and it was moving very slowly. The tension was rising and as I was having a word with myself about not worrying so much about being late for an appointment, I overheard a conversation between two women in front of me in the queue. (I have given them names, I’ve no idea what they were called ☺️):

Sophie: all I need is a stamp, it’s taking ages

Beryl: well you can have one of mine

Sophie: ooh no I can’t take it off you, please let me give you some money

Beryl: there’s absolutely no need

Sophie: I must, I can’t take it

Beryl: yes, you can, I insist

Sophie: no I really can’t

All the while I am thinking, “take the bloody stamp”, so I decided to join in.

Beryl: please, just have the stamp

Sophie: no I can’t

Pauline: yes, you can!

Sophie turned round.

Sophie: No I can’t, without paying for it

Pauline: pay it forward and do something nice for someone else, that’s how the world works

Sophie: oh. OK then

And off Sophie went expressing much gratitude to Beryl.

Wow. How difficult is it for some of us to accept a gift from a stranger, without feeling guilty or slightly suspicious of what they might want in return?

I had a similar situation in a supermarket. Part of the payment system had gone down, which meant that people could only pay by cash or card, but not on their phone. I was standing at customer services and the lady in front of me was quite distressed:

Amanda: …but I have to buy it today, it’s my mother-in-law’s birthday and I’ve come all the way from Canterbury to get this stuff

Customer Service: really sorry but if you can’t pay the £75 with cash or card, then you’re unable to take these items

Amanda: I really can’t drive all the way there and back I’ve got loads to do, this is just so awful, what am I going to do

Pauline: why don’t I pay for it and you can transfer the cash to my bank account

Amanda looked at me as if I’d just offered to give her £1000.

Amanda: you can’t do that, it’s too much!

Pauline: why not?

Amanda: well, I don’t know, but it’s too much, are you sure

Pauline: I honestly don’t mind at all, just transfer the money to me and I’ll pay with my card

Amanda: I can’t believe you would do that, it’s so kind, thank you so much

And so the transaction took place and Amanda went on her merry way with gifts galore, thanking me as she left.

It got me thinking about reciprocity and the busy-ness of our lives. In the chaos and stress we forget that being human is giving, sharing and receiving, without judgement or measurement.

If someone bought lunch or a coffee for me, I would always say, “I’ll get the next one”, and I made sure that I did. I have stopped doing it now that I understand that universal energy is all about reciprocity, giving and receiving that balances itself out without measurement.

Measurement keeps us fixed and in judgement – we really don’t need to do it, but most of us do. Trust comes into play and that’s also challenging. Our energy is drained by the worry of what people will think of us if we don’t pay our way and wondering if they might complain about us or, heaven forbid, hold an unconscious grudge against us.

Lots of people find it much easier to give than to receive. Whether that’s about power or self protection, it diverts our energy towards managing a mental balance sheet of gifts and receipts.

When we are too busy and stressed (& we have totally been conditioned to live life that way), we live in normalised chaos, which means that we miss the simplicity and beauty of life and human relationships. 

I was reminded recently about the Zen quote of, “chop wood, carry water”. 

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” — Zen Kōan

The story we are told, is that “A young boy became a monk. He dreamed of enlightenment and of learning great things. When he got to the monastery he was told that each morning he had to chop wood for the monks’ fires and then carry water up to the monastery for ablutions and the kitchen. He attended prayers and meditation, but the teaching he was given was rather sparse.

One day he was told to take some tea to the Abbot in his chambers. He did so and the Abbot saw he looked sad and asked him why.

He replied, “Every day all I do is chop wood and carry water. I want to learn. I want to understand things. I want to be great one day, like you.”

The Abbot gestured to the scrolls on shelves lining the walls. He said, ‘When I started I was like you. Every day I would chop wood and carry water. Like you I understood that someone had to do these things, but like you I wanted to move forward. Eventually I did. I read all of the scrolls, I met with Kings and gave council. I became the Abbot. Now, I understand that the key to everything is that everything is chopping wood and carrying water, and that if one does everything mindfully then it is all the same.'”

Christmas is a time of giving and receiving and it is also a time of great stress and pressure for things to be right. Divorce rates increase after Christmas and people generally feel the intensity of preparing and buying presents. So, when the pressure intensifies, the invitation is even greater to simplify life — to chop wood and carry water.

What is your “chop wood and carry water”?

How can you simplify your experience of life? 

What can you do less of? 

Who might be able to help you more, either at work or at home? 

How present are you when carrying out tasks? 

Notice if you resist receiving gifts or offers of help, question why that is. When we give freely, it comes back in many ways, often not directly from the same source.

There are lots of things that we do that appear to help us relax more, but actually make us more sleepy and less resourceful. What are yours?

And of course, the best things in life are free;  love and the air we breathe.

Much love

Pauline